


Blue to Blood

by Kriss_De_Valnor



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age 2, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders (Dragon Age) Positive, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nonbinary Hawke (Dragon Age), Post-Dragon Age II, eden is nonbinary and gay, hawke deals with the guilt of losing his family and anders asking to kill him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:15:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25209064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kriss_De_Valnor/pseuds/Kriss_De_Valnor
Summary: "He couldn't force himself to look at or speak to Anders, even when the man quietly asked if he could do anything to help the shaking.Anders had asked Eden to kill him, and that shattered Hawke's heart more than anything. "The battle with Meredith is over, and Eden Hawke is forced to face his built-up guilt head on. With his sister and mother dead, his brother with his life cut short, and his lover asking him to kill him, as if Hawke could let another person he loves die - the journey is going to be a lot harder than it seems.
Relationships: Anders/Hawke (Dragon Age), Anders/Male Hawke
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. The Gallows

**Author's Note:**

> Not really beta'd so if you notice any glaring errors, please let me know!

Eden had been acting remarkably like his old self ever since they left for the Gallows, Merrill realized. His magic was a pleasant, healing cool all around them, and he seemed focused on defensive spells, calmly checking everyone for injuries after each battle. He was acting like he did before Leandra died; nothing close to the aggressive way he fought for the last three years, paying no one else mind.

Even now, inside the Gallows, with so much death around them, he was still his old self, worryingly checking Anders and Carver for injuries.

That must have been it – having his younger brother at his side again, and Anders expecting Hawke to kill him, made Eden take on his protective role, not paying attention to his own injuries.

But the moment they walked into the courtyard outside of Meredith's and Orsino's offices, seeing dozens of templars waiting down the stairs to kill any mage that got through – something in Eden snapped. Merrill and Anders both felt it, looking at each other in alarm as Eden dropped his healer aura and threw a fireball straight into the templars.

They all spurred into action, but Hawke became a deadly force, not only raining destruction with his spells, but tearing apart everyone in his way with the blade on his staff.

He struck his staff in between the armour of one templar, twisting with almost as much efficiency as Fenris, while he burned the helm of another.

He suspended five in the air at once, throwing them against the walls of the Gallows with far more force than usual, and downed another lyrium potion.

Fire crashed down into the courtyard, and with a ragged yell, Eden sent a powerful lighting bolt into the remaining templars.

He stood among the carnage, breathing heavily, twirling his staff absent-mindedly.

Anders carefully tried to place a hand on his shoulder, but Eden shrugged it off.

“We're not done.” Merrill flinched at Hawke's murderous voice.

He marched into the back rooms, not checking for need of healing or putting his healing aura back up, and engaged in combat before they all managed to scramble up after him.

The room was filled with demons and a couple of templars, and Eden was as wild with his spells as before, though Merrill noticed he hesitated before facing the demons.

It was gone quickly, and he violently cut through the shades in his way and approached a templar lieutenant, his arms blazing with fire.

Merrill noticed the lieutenant charging up a cleanse, and she quickly countered it with blood magic before it could reach Eden, though she was half convinced he'd manage just fine with his staff and brute force.

Eden let loose the fire from his arms into the templar and disarmed him with a concentrated burst of force magic. The air around him cracked with electricity, and the sound of Eden's voice broke through the sounds of combat.

“ _You took everything from me!”_

Merrill turned from the demon she was fighting just in time to see Eden wrench his blade into the templar's throat, and release an uncontrolled lighting storm across the room.

The few seconds of distraction let the shade strike out at her arm, leaving deep scratches all the way down, but before she could react, the shade was struck by and destroyed by one of Eden's lightning bolts.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carver narrowly miss a bolt, while Anders struck down the last of the demons and dispelled the storm.

A healing spell washed over her, leaving no trace of the gash made by the shade, but it wasn't Anders' magic.

Merrill glanced over to Eden, who was standing incredibly still in the middle of the room, tears streaming down his face.

“All these demons and abominations,” Eden sounded broken, a startling contrast to the way he spoke just a few minutes ago, “They were probably good mages, and templars-” He shook his head and walked out quickly, not waiting for them to follow.

“Hawke, please, you're injured!” Anders ran after him, distressed, though apparently not wanting to do magic on Eden without warning.

Hawke stood abruptly, drank yet another lyrium potion, and ran a quick healing spell over everyone, including himself.

“Let's go make Meredith pay.” He said, voice hard, and held Anders' gaze.

~~

The Gallows statue threw Merrill back, and she could hear a rib crack on her landing, pain shooting up over her chest – then, as quickly as it happened, Eden's magic washed over her and it was like the injury had never happened.

He was still aggressive in the battle, unleashing spell after spell upon Meredith, but he somehow became more subdued, and more aware of his companions' injuries than in the small courtyard.

Whatever that bout of rage had been, it seemingly left after they fought the demons.

~~

Hawke was shaking on the ferry back to Kirkwall. As much as he wanted to kill every last templar in the Gallows, he had already drank seven lyrium potions, and the fight against Meredith and her statues took too much out of him to engage with Cullen and the rest when they were so outnumbered.

Instead, they had to leave those bastards alive, and flee Kirkwall, lest Cullen change his mind and decide to kill Eden and his companions after all.

Hawke felt tears gather in his eyes again, and turned away from his friends. He knew they wanted to ask about his outburst in the Gallows, but he didn't want to talk about it, not yet - guilt wracked through him as he remembered how close he got to striking Carver and Anders with his lighting, through a moment of uncontrolled emotion.

He couldn't force himself to look at or speak to Anders, even when the man quietly asked if he could do anything to help the shaking.

Anders had asked Eden to kill him, and that shattered Hawke's heart more than anything.

He couldn't figure out where he had gone wrong to give Anders the impression that he wouldn't' support him through anything, that he wouldn't love him, and worst of all, that he would be willing to kill him.

His display in the Gallows probably didn't help much – even after promising to be fugitives together, being a hair's breadth away from Eden's rage couldn't have been very encouraging. Maker, Anders probably thought Eden was angry at _him._

Refusing to talk wasn't helping either, Eden knew that, but he couldn't bring himself to hug Anders, despite how much he wanted to. The ferry to Kirkwall was not a place for a breakdown.

~~

Carver stared at his brother from across the ferry. Eden hadn’t said a word since they fought Meredith, and was currently sitting on the floor of the boat and shaking uncontrollably. 

He watched Anders scoot towards him and say something quietly, resting a reassuring hand on Eden’s back. Eden tensed up and turned away, closing himself off without a word - Anders looked like a kicked mabari, letting his hand drop as he moved away, and sat down sifting through his potion supply. Carver felt his stomach twist with worry; he couldn’t remember ever seeing Eden like this, not even after Bethany died. He’d planned to give him a piece of his mind about his reckless use of area spells as soon as they were out of the Gallows , but all anger died when he saw the way he slumped down suddenly onto the floor, as if his knees had buckled from under him, and started shaking.

His hands itched with the need to do something to help, but because they hadn’t seen each other in two years, Carver felt out of touch with his brother - if Anders couldn’t get through to him, what good could Carver do?

He settled instead on cleaning his sword; it gave his hands something to do, and stopped him from constantly looking over to see if Eden was still conscious. It was disconcerting to see him like this; as much as Carver disliked it, Eden was always acting like a hero, pushing through everything with so much strength - the last time he came close to acting this way was when he had found out about the Calling, yet even then, Eden had acted more like himself - squeezing Carver into a hug, and apologizing through sobs, as if he himself had invented the Joining ritual with no thought of consequences, the bloody idiot.

The man sitting across from him now, motionless save for his shaking, face drawn and closed off from the world? It was nothing like the brother he knew, and it terrified him. He should have been hugging Anders, triple checking everyone's injuries, making a plan to keep everyone safe, not - not this.

 _“He’s like a Tranquil,_ ” - the thought entered Carver’s mind unbidden, and he shook his head to get rid of it. Whatever Eden was going through, he clearly still had his emotions - though apparently dampened from sheer exhaustion - and Carver would rather die than see his own brother with the brand, stripped of all that made him _him_ , indifferent to those he loves, and at the mercy of the templars. 

Carver tried to distract himself, but instead started focusing on how much lyrium would induce lyrium poisoning, and how much Eden had drunk - he didn’t really pay attention during the battle, but there were definitely a lot more bottles than 2 on Eden’s belt before. Was that why he was shaking so badly? Anders would be able to tell if he’d poisoned himself, wouldn’t he? The last thing Carver wanted was to lose another family member. 

He decided to ask Anders about it, quietly and out of Eden’s earshot, but no sooner had he moved to get up that the ferryman called out their approach to Kirkwall.

~~

Eden screwed his eyes shut when he heard the ferryman - no doubt everyone would look to him for leadership, and he was far, far too tired. 

He heaved himself up, using his staff to support himself when they docked, and reached for one of his remaining lyrium potions. He was about to uncork it when someone held his wrist - Merrill. 

“Lethallin… you’ll make yourself sick.” 

Eden stared into her worried eyes for a few beats, and shrugged her hand away with a sharp intake of breath. Before she could protest any further, he quickly uncorked and drank the entirety of it. Just as he finished, he felt something creep up his side, and reflexively spun round, staff aimed blade first - 

Right at Anders. 

Anders’ face went pale, and he held his hands up, magic dissipating, at the same time Eden’s staff clattered from his hands. The two stared at each other in shock.

“It’s alright, I just wanted to heal you- you have a wound - I’m sorry, I should’ve warned you.” Anders lowered his arms slowly, and bent down to pick up Eden’s staff, gesturing to Eden’s side.

Eden didn’t respond, didn’t even spare a single look at his injury, just stared at Anders, his face crumpling with grief.

He took staff back, briefly contemplated breaking it in half, and reached out to Anders as he started walking, his hand barely brushing Anders’ arm.

“Anders, I- I didn’t mean to, I would never - I didn’t know it was you, I-I’m so _sorry._ ” His voice broke on the last word, and he lowered his head, face twisting. 

He felt like his world was breaking into pieces - if he thought he’d pushed Anders away before, there was no doubt he’d never forgive him now. He felt himself start to cry, and began turning away, arm dropping, when Anders gently laid his hand on his cheek. 

“It’s alright, love. I know. It’s not your fault.” Normally when Anders held him like this, he’d release a tiny bit of healing aura, but not this time - after Eden’s reaction to his magic, it wasn’t surprising.

Eden forced himself to look up at Anders, and lean into the touch. He was very aware of everyone watching him - he noticed Fenris’ forlorn expression out of the corner of his eye - and took a few deep breaths to try and get himself under control. Everyone was counting on him; Cullen and his templars would probably follow them soon, and he was not going to let anyone down. He could not watch another person be killed because he wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t strong enough. 

They needed to get out of the city - now. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short, but I haven't had much time or energy to write lately, and thought something is better than nothing.

Eden woke with stars shining above his head, something soft under his head, and the warmth of a fire at his side.

He frowned.

The last thing he remembered was walking through the streets of Lowtown, the lamps all having a fuzzy and too bright quality to them. And then...Fenris lit his brands, didn’t he? Were they attacked? Eden remembered himself _pleading_ for Fenris to stop. All choked up like a child over a little extra light. Embarrassing. But that still didn’t answer the question of how, exactly, he ended up flat on his back, seemingly outside of Kirkwall.

He tried turning towards the fire, and immediately covered his eyes, hissing. The fire had the same weird, sharp-yet-liquidy look as the lamps in Kirkwall had, and it made his head throb. 

‘Eden!’ Someone’s too loud voice called out, and Eden groaned. Said someone moved next to him, and a hand gently touched his forehead.

‘How are you feeling, love?’ Anders asked, voice far softer now.

‘Like shit.’ Anders didn’t so much as snort, so Eden opened his eyes to get a look at his partner's face. ‘Maker, what did I drink? The world feels like the inside of a crystal glass.’

‘Too much lyrium will do that, I’m afraid.’ Anders’ smile was strained. ‘I’d heal you if I could, but you don’t react to magic well in this state.’

Eden stared at Anders’ face, trying to comprehend, his memories still muddled like that of a dream - he attempted running a diagnostic spell on himself, but all it did was make the world spin and bring a strong wave of nausea. So  _ that’s  _ what Anders meant when he refused to heal him. 

‘Don’t do that, love, please, you’ll make yourself more sick. Here, drink, it’ll clear out of your system.’ Anders didn’t sound confident of that statement, but Eden didn’t hear it. He drank as much as he could manage, catching a glimpse of Carver sitting farther from the fire as he handed the waterskin back. ‘Carver! Your armour is so...shiny… Do they make special shiny armour for special shiny wardens? Must be important…’ He squinted as Carver turned towards him, the metal glinting even more, making his head swim. He couldn’t see Carver’s face through the light, but he seemed less grumpy than usual. Eden wanted to comment on it, but found himself suddenly too tired to speak anymore, and laid back down as Anders readjusted his pillow. Or bedroll, probably. It didn’t feel much like a pillow, come to think of it. 

Anders murmured something that Eden didn’t quite catch, and started moving away, but Eden managed to catch his hand and press it to his lips. 

‘I love you.’ He looked up, smiling, right into Anders’ eyes, his hair glowing round the edges from the fire, making him look like a spirit. Eden fell asleep, the image following him into his dreams. 

  
  


~~ 

Merril walked back to the makeshift camp they had set up, herbs in tow. Eden was showing obvious signs of lyrium poisoning, and they were lucky Isabela and Carver had been standing nearby when Eden passed out, stopping him from hitting his head, but leaving them all very worried and confused - poor Fenris especially so, not understanding why Eden had suddenly cowered so much from his tattoos, when they’d never had an adverse effect before.

Anders and Merril were the only ones who connected the sheer amount of lyrium Eden had drunk during the battle to his sudden, new behaviour. They had hoped that it was only lyrium drunkenness, but when both of their magic failed to wake him up and instead made him shiver, and the air around him filled with electricity, it became clear that this was something more serious, something that magic wouldn’t be able to fix. 

She arrived to find everyone as subdued and tense as before, however Anders was no longer guarding Eden’s side, but mixing potions by the fire. Fenris shot her a glance, but otherwise made no move, staying at the edge of the camp and watching the coast. Merril didn’t have to be good at reading body language to tell how scared for Eden he was. Though he hadn’t shown it as clearly as the others, she knew Fenris and Eden were very good friends, and he was worried sick. 

‘Has he woken up at all?’ She asked quietly, laying out the herbs she had gathered. 

‘Once. I don’t think he remembers what happened very well, and light and sound aggravate him.’ Anders hesitated, and continued weakly, ‘He was very...lighthearted. Joking, and...open, I suppose. Like he had no worries in the world except a bad hangover.’ 

Anders’ face twisted, and he turned his head away. Merril felt her own throat close up, and she laid her hand on Anders’ shoulder. 

Just as she was about to speak, Anders took a shuddering breath, and ran his hand through his hair. 

‘He drank half a waterskin of water, then fell asleep. Oh, and he used magic on himself and almost made himself throw up. I thought I’d go to find some Spindleweed, if we boiled it-’ Merril cut him off, holding up a fistful of Spindleweed leaves. ‘Oh.’

‘It’s the first thing we use for poisoning, mixed with elfroot, embrium, and arbor blessing. I couldn’t find any arbor blessings, but I did find a dawn lotus that might work- Oh, if I only had some Felandaris…’

  
  


~~ 

Fenris listened to the mages discuss the most potentially effective way to mix the different herbs, his stomach gnawing with worry. And maybe a little bit with hunger, but he was too stressed to be able to eat anything.

Eden’s behaviour tonight was out of the ordinary, but understandable - the healer had always felt guilty over the loss of his family, and made that clear with his style of fighting. His mood shifts were just a sign of a person dealing with too many emotions at once, and while it was concerning, it was expected. Lyrium poisoning, however, was very much not expected, and he had no idea what the effects on Eden would be - he collapsed when Fenris barely lit his brands to simply phase through a lock, and acted practically drunk for the brief moment he woke up. The apparent memory confusion didn’t do much to quell Fenris’ anxious thoughts, either. 

He had no idea how to help, and he hated it. Eden had once asked him if he’s not getting lyrium poisoning from the tattoos in his skin, and proceeded to do a check up every few months to ensure the lyrium wasn’t leaking into his system anywhere. He’d never regretted not asking what lyrium poisoning would do, or how to fix it, more. Now all he could do was hope that Anders and Merril knew what to do, but judging by their distressed expressions, they didn’t seem to have much more idea than he. All that magical knowledge, and for what? Both Eden and Anders always claimed that healing magic was the best type, but here it was, making everything worse. 

He knew it wasn’t truly magic’s fault, but he needed something to blame, and magic was the easiest path to take, and it took his thoughts off the possibility of there not being a way to  _ fix _ this. 

  
  
  


Eden slept while Isabela and Varric returned from Kirkwall, supplies in tow - as the group's rogues, it was deemed safest for them to be the ones getting food for travel. 

They finished the stew Isabela made, and coaxed the potion the mages had made into Eden. He drank a little without waking up, but it was unclear whether it had helped - the group split into night shifts, though Anders spent three of them by Eden, refusing to sleep.

Eventually, exhaustion took him, but he only slept for half an hour before Varric had to wake him, apologetic, as Eden seemed to become feverish and was mumbling in his sleep. Anders fed him his and Merrill’s potion again, and slept no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this took a while... Sorry, the whole lockdown situation and college balance has been really good at sapping all my creative energy. I'm working on Chapter 3, but no promises as to when it'll actually be published, sadly.


End file.
